Movie Vibes

My wonderful sister phoned me up last night and asked if I’d be keen to go watch a movie. Seeing as I was missing derby, my evening was wide open… Sooooo… Sister Date Wooo Hooo!

Trying to decide what movie to watch was almost impossible. They were either starting too early, too late or we’d watched them. Eventually my mom, two sisters and I eliminated every movie until there was only one option left. Vampire Academy. Yes. You read that right… We decided on a movie called VAMPIRE ACADEMY! (click for the trailer) All that went through my mind was ‘How bad could it be? It can’t be worse than Twilight. Right?’

Boy was I in for a big surprise.

I was going to write a blog about how epic it was and everyone should watch this amazing piece of art because I’m a bitch like that sometimes. Sadly I was struck down with guilt and decided I wouldn't prank you guys. It would have been way too mean, even for me.

Vampire Academy was possibly the worst thing I have ever watched in my entire life. Including Twilight, give me the sparkly vamps any day! I think Sharknado (click for the trailer) had better acting than this load of rubbish and was way more entertaining.

You know how some movies should be good but because the acting is so bad they are horrible. This is NOT one of those movies. Everything about this movie is just down right awful and nothing could save it. Except maybe tequila… A LOT OF TEQUILA! If I was pee in my pants kind of crazy drunk, maybe, just maybe I would have found it the slightest bit interesting.

The most entertaining part of the entire movie was the expression on the faces of my sisters as they cringed in horror and mocked the really awful script. Oh and my slush puppie… My slushie was delicious.

To make it even worse the movie ends in a way you know for sure there will be a sequel. Vampire Academy 2, I’m having nightmares about it already.

The movie is based on a series of six books (oh Lord! SIX!) written by some lady named Richelle Mead. (On behalf of humanity I would just like to say Richelle Mead, you bitch.) I could have spent those 104 minutes of my life doing something way more pleasurable like get a tooth pulled or have an enema.

Let me save you some time and money. This movie is a load of shit. 
Do NOT watch it. 
I don’t care how bored you are. Anything else will be more entertaining than Vampire Academy.

If you choose to ignore me and watch it anyway. I have no sympathy for you. You are a sadist and deserve to suffer.

That is all.

It's A Reunion!

Walking down the road. Some random lady starts walking towards me... Not past me. Towards me. Naturally I smile and start to divert my path away from her, she followed me and then:

Lady: "Hello Terri."

Me: "Ummmm Hi"

Lady: "You don't remember me do you?"

Me: "Sorry, I don't."

Lady: "I went to primary school with you."

Me: "Oh (insert smile) Hi" - still no clue who she is.

Lady: "I was friends with Megan and Kirsten?"

Me: "That's nice. Who are they?"

Lady: "We were in your class in grade seven."

Me: "Wait, you were the girls who used to call me names like Hollywood because you thought it rhymed with my surname and Dented Face because I have dimples hahahahaha!"

Lady: "Uh yeah."

Me: "Hahahahaha! There were so many creative ways you could have teased my dimples and dented face was the best you could come up with hahahahahaha!"

Lady: "So we should hang out sometime."

Me: "HAHAHAHAHA! Oh honey! That's not going to happen."

Lady: "_______"

Me: "You have a lovely day now."

Maybe I shouldn't have laughed at her to her face but I couldn't help it, it just slipped out. I had to laugh on behalf of every little weirdo that had to put up with little bitches who thought they were funny in school.

This is not the first time some random girl has walked up to me, called me by my name and told me they know me from primary school. PRIMARY SCHOOL! It's happened a few times before. I had no idea who they were either. How the heck do these people remember me? I left primary school in 2001 and we were never friends.

I suppose you never forget your first weirdo that refuses to warp who they are around your narrow idea of what "cool" is. Being your own person and not another sheep in the flock leaves a bigger impression than I originally thought.

It's ironic, girls who mocked you right through school because you were weird suddenly want to be mates with you because you're weird.

Still laughing.

Scream Me Something Beautiful

I’m pretty tired of people telling me the type of music I listen to is “of the devil” or “Satan worship” and, by extension so am I. Just because it’s not Chris Tomlin doesn't mean that it’s evil. Most of those people talking smack about metalcore are listening to songs about "my bitches and my hos" Why on Gods green Earth would I listen to your advice on all things moral?

I've been told I must be a Satanist and evil because I listen to bands like The Devil Wears Prada and For Today which funny enough are Christian bands who worship God within their genre of music. Just because you don’t understand something does not make it wrong, just different.

I've heard people say they don’t understand a word the artist is screaming and in the same breath said they are worshiping Satan. How do you know they are worshiping Satan if you have no idea what they are saying?

I have always defended my taste in music but on occasion I've chosen to say nothing for fear of starting an argument with a narrow minded person, it's like trying to teach a two year old quantum physics. 

The Bible doesn't prohibit screaming out in worship. There are songs and psalms in the Bible which would have little impact sung choir style accompanied by a sweet piano tune, for example 2 Samuel 22. A chapter filled with war, violence and pain. For some reason I just don’t see Jesus Culture having as much an impact as Demon Hunter, As I Lay Dying or even Flyleaf would while singing “I pursued my enemies and crushed them; I did not turn back till they were destroyed. I crushed them completely, and they could not rise; they fell beneath my feet. You armed me with strength for battle; you humbled my adversaries before me. You made my enemies turn their backs in flight, and I destroyed my foes. They cried for help, but there was no one to save them” In my opinion Metalcore bands would perform the whole “I beat them as fine as the dust of the earth; I pounded and trampled them like mud in the streets” a lot better than any other genre of music. Actually thinking about it that would make a pretty epic song. (Dear Memphis May Fire, I have found your next hit.)

One of my favourite bands is Memphis May Fire who are not a Christian band but the lyricist is and he can’t help but let his passion for Christ bleed into his music. The lyricist and lead vocalist, Matty Mullins, paints us pictures of hopelessness without God and beauty in the world when you believe. They are powerful messages sung in bone chilling soul shaking screams and would lose a lot of that power if it were sung sidewalk prophets style.

Basically what I’m trying to say is if Metalcore is your thing then, rock out to it. 
Don’t be discouraged when narrow minded people tell you that it’s the work of the devil. They cannot see the power and beauty in it that you do and that’s just sad.(for them)

They are entitled to their own opinion, which you should respect but you don’t have to take shit from them. Stand up for yourself and most importantly let your freak flag fly. Who wants to be a cheap knockoff of someone else anyway? God made us different, so embrace it and be different. So what if people think you’re weird? A little secret... All the best people are.

Now Go Scream Something Beautiful!

I like that shit #3

People who know me or have spent any time with me know I have a serious love for music. It is hard for me to say I have a favourite song, band or even genre of music because my taste is so varied… There are bands I like who are complete polar opposites of each other.

It's Monday morning so I think something easy on the ears and eyes is in order.

There is a band I have found, loved and watched grow over the past couple years who are extremely unique and so flipping talented! Found some of their music on my ipod this weekend and thought I would share them with you today just because I feel they will touch your heart with their unconventional tunes, like they have grabbed hold of mine. It doesn’t hurt that they are extremely gorgeous as well. No seriously… I mean YUM!

Friends allow me to introduce 2CELLOS:

Yummy Croatian cellists Luka Šulić and Stjepan Hauser, have taken the cello to a new level and have demolished the boundaries between different genres of music. 

Performing songs such as Supermassive Black Hole(ft. Naya Rivera), Highway to Hell(feat. Steve Vai), Smells Like Teen Spirit, The Resistance, Thunderstruck, Where The Streets Have No Name and the cover which put them on the map in a huge way Smooth Criminal by Michael Jackson, these super flipping sexy cellists have managed to do the impossible, turn the cello into sexy rock and roll. I know right… I didn't know it was possible either. Turns out it is.

Stjepan Hauser (age 27) - Yum!

Luka Šulić (age 26) - Extra Yum!

Click on the links above and watch some of their YouTube videos or click HERE to listen to them on Soundcloud.

Here is another pic... Just because they are so lovely to look at.

Happy listening! You can thank me later.

I like that shit #2

Ok, so you know there is always that website you go to that sells really cool stuff you can’t afford but you can’t help but go back and look at all the cool stuff you can’t have?

I have one of those in my life. It’s called THIS IS WHY I’M BROKE… I shit you not, that is its name. Go ahead click on it and salivate over all the things you can't have.

Here are some of the randomly epic things you will find on this fantastic site that I really want:

TRON Motorcycle: $55,000.00

This TRON style motorcycle is a fully functional and street legal bike.

Seriously! GIMME NOW!

Magic Wand - Programmable TV Remote: $89.99

Buttons are sooooooooooooooo out, wands are in.

Sword Handle Umbrellas: $31.99

I don’t think I need to explain this one.

Jedi Bath Robes: $45.99

Every Jedi needs his own bath robe.

Deep Space Fighter Bed: Starting at $15,000.00

WHAAAAAT! For a BED! But then again… Look how cool it is!

Remote Controlled Flying F*ck: $39.95

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Workaholics Bear Coat: $150.00

Diesel Powered MechWarrior: $1,350,000.00

Oh yes… I want one!

AK-47 Rifle With Chainsaw: $1,200.00

You know… For when the Zombie Apocalypse hits. Bitches got to be ready!

Light Up Shoes: $650.00

Why? BECAUSE THEY ARE SHOES THAT LIGHT UP!

Armored Knight Hoodie: $99.99

Lightsaber Toothbrush: $6.39

Pillow Fight Weapons: $40.00

Ok, I don’t care! My Nephew is getting these!

Totoro Cat Bed: $390.00

Assassin’s Creed Hoodie: $345.00

Ghostbusters Neutrino Wand: $224.99

Replica DeLorean Time Machine: $70,000.00

 I have to stop now or I'm just going to keep adding things... Honestly I want everything on this site.

Moron Of The Day #3

So this moron of the day is less moron and more lost and confused but it was still funny so here we go:

ME: “(company name) Good Day, Terri Speaking.”

MOTD: “Did you win the lotto?”

ME: “Not that I’m aware of.”

MOTD: “If you won the lotto what would you do?”

ME: “Probably go on holiday... Maybe have a party.”

MOTD: “Oh, that’s nice.”

ME: “Yeah, it would be."

MOTD: "Would I be invited?"

ME: "Sure, why not. I just won the lottery, I think I'd be in a more the merrier kind of mood. 

MOTD: "hahahaha"

ME: "May I ask who it is you are looking for?”

MOTD: “Huh? It’s Paul.”

ME: “Hi Paul, may I ask what this is regarding?”

MOTD: “Is this not Monica?”

ME: “No sorry Paul, I think you have the wrong number.”

MOTD: “Oh _______ Sorry. Why are you so friendly?”

ME: "No problem Paul, I'm a nice person. Have a lovely day."

MOTD : "Thanks, you to."

My mom is into metalcore? Whaaaaat?!

I just have to share this... My mom is the most unconventionally epic woman on this planet!

Sitting on the couch last night, chatting to my mom and going through my music on my laptop trying to find a derby(ish) song… I play I’m So Sick by Flyleaf, starts off all sweet and suddenly Lacey Sturm lets off this gut wrenching scream (pure beauty) My mom sweetly smiles at me and says 

“That one. I like that one. It's very you." 

So a little dazed and confused at my mom loving it, I carry on moving through my iTunes, thinking to myself 'Any minute now she is going to tell me to switch my noise off' I went through a lot of my metalcore and hard rock and she was digging it. 

Whaaaaat?! My mom is into metalcore!

Finally I play Legacy by Memphis May Fire and she turns to me and says 

"I don't know (Yes, my mom is normal, she is going to tell me she doesn't like it at all) I'm not sure if I like this one or the other one (Flyleaf) more."

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Timelords and Companions...

My MOM digs Metalcore and Hard Rock music. I clearly take after her and couldn't be more proud of it.

What an Epic woman! Happy Birthday Mommy (yeah I said mommy) If your day is half as cool as you are it'll be a fantastic one!

Down & Derby #1

So every girl needs a sport they can devote their time to, otherwise we spend our time and money on shopping and by shopping I actually mean pub crawling. Don’t get me wrong going to the pub and having a few drinks with mates is awesome but not so much when it’s the middle of the week, you’ve been there every day for the past month, all the bartenders are on a first name basis with you and know how you like your whiskey.(Double in a short glass, ice and water in separate glasses on the side)

I have dabbled in a few sports myself and have always enjoyed them. After the last psychopath I dated was also my cricket partner, I unfortunately left the team when we broke up (more like ran for the forest, the hills didn't have enough hiding places) So, I haven’t really had a sport to occupy me and as a result I have “insider” jokes with the bartenders at my favourite watering hole.

NOT ANYMORE!

A friend of mine introduced me to my latest sports adventure and this time I’m not leaving for anyone!

Ladies and Gentlemen allow me to introduce ROLLER DERBY!

Basic break down of what Derby is:

A game played on either a flat track or banked track. Members of both teams wear quad skates and circle the track in packs. The pack for each team consists of a pivot and three blockers. There is also a jammer for each team on the track who tries to score points by passing opposing blockers. The pivots job is to keep control of the pack speed. The blockers job is to keep the opposing jammer from getting through the pack and to assist their own jammer through. Derby is played in two minute increments called jams. Jams continue for a twenty minute period. There are three periods in a bout.

Derby is a full contact, strategic, adrenaline pumping sport and at times is just down right flipping scary. The good kind of scary though. The kind of scary that gets your heart pumping and makes your bladder weak all at the same time but damned if you’re not going back and doing it all over again.

Everything about this sport is fantastic!

The people are amazing! They are so friendly and always eager to help you out when you are completely lost and not sure how to function with wheels on your feet. It’s difficult to not make friends with the skaters. Not to mention if you stick with it you will be able to do things you had laughed at the idea of doing a few months before. “Skate and then JUMP pffffft hahahahaha! You’re kidding right?” No, for reals, I laughed at the idea and now I can. Granted I’m pretty shit at it but just give me a few more months and we’ll chat on the subject again.

So basically Roller Derby is EPIC and if you get the opportunity to skate DO IT! You won’t regret it and you will be addicted for life!

If you think roller skating is lame. Here is Van Halen on skates: your opinion is invalid.

Dema Restaurant Competition FAIL:

There is a little Indian restaurant in Gateway shopping center called Dema. 

Recently they ran a competition on Facebook for Valentine’s Day. In order to be entered into the draw, you had to like their page and forward an email onto 5 friends and cc their email address 'info@dema.co.za' in on it.

Seems fair enough right?

What they don’t tell you is if you win they will post your picture on their Facebook page (still ok with this) accompanied by your email address and personal cell phone number. WHOA! I am NOT ok with this! Posting a person’s email and cell phone number up on a social networking page? REALLY?! You think this is ok?

Well apparently they do. Shocked at what I had just seen, some ladies personal contact information all over my home page, I commented on the picture:

The reply I received was just straight up frightening:

SERIOUSLY? This is the excuse you are going with? Competition credibility? You couldn't, I don’t know, post the picture of the winner and Tag her in it? That way people could see she is an actual person on Facebook and she would still have her privacy.

BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!

Curious as to what these “Ts and Cs” actually were, I found myself on a mission to find them. 

Alas I fear I may be looking forever because THEY DON’T EXIST! 

I have been through their Facebook page and their Website and nothing! (Well none that I can find) How can the Terms & Conditions apply when there are none? Are they just making this up as they go along? If so… What else have they decided they are allowed to do? Will they be selling personal information of their entrants to marketing companies? Maybe they will swing by one day to collect my first borns soul? I don’t know because I can’t go read these “Ts and Cs” they speak of.

So naturally, I asked.

I’m still waiting for a reply and something tells me I’ll keep waiting.

While trying to create ‘competition credibility’ you lost all credibility as a professional business.

I don’t know who Cindy Moodley is but if I was her, I’d be pissed off. Maybe she is ok with having her cell number floating around the internet for anyone to see. Who am I to judge?

Types of People: Choose your friends carefully

Ok, so we all know there are Delightful People who can’t help but spread blissful joy wherever they go. As awesome as they are, it’s tiring to be with them all the time… It’s not their fault; it’s how they cope with life. Sometimes it’s not all sunshine and daisies. No matter how many rainbows you paint over your problems, they are still going to be there (just prettier). Sometimes life’s unfair and sucks and that’s ok.

Then we have the Miserable People. People who see the bad and turn it into something tragic, you know the people I’m talking about “Oh looks a field of daisies, too bad daisies are weeds.” They spread misery wherever they go and are dangerous to be around. Spend too much time with these sorts of people and you’ll find yourself shopping for your very own pack of razors in no time.

We move along to the In Between People. They are generally quite happy but see things for what they really are. Life is unfair and sometimes bad things happen to good people, sometimes they happen to really awful people as well. These are the people who acknowledge the bad but instead of throwing glitter at it then pretending it’s not there or turning it into yet another reason to sit in a corner wielding a blade threatening to end it all, they accept what has happened and use it as a life lesson. Growing and becoming stronger people, they are generally the people still standing strong when the really bad things come along like a plague to wipe out humanity. They are the people who not only hold their heads high but the heads of the delightful and miserable as well. They make the best friends and will stand with you through the good, the bad and the ‘where the freak did that come from’.

I really wish we could just stop at three but alas, there is a fourth type of person and they are the worst type of person.

The Two-Face People. These are the sly conniving bitches everyone has met, worked with or been “friends” with at some point in their life. The people who wear a heroes mask but are really the worst kind of villain. They are all smiles to your face and the second your back is turned they spit venomous stories (usually untrue or exaggerated) about you to whoever will listen. These individuals are weak; they may come across as confident and strong but when confronted with the truth they will scurry like cockroaches trying to find another lie or story to dig their way out of the hole they have found themselves in. When you find yourself dealing with a person like this, you can be civil but don’t for one second think they are your friend or can be trusted. They imitate happy people, feed off of misery (preferably yours) and will throw you to the wolves to save their own skin without blinking an eye.

Moron Of The Day #2

ME: “(company name) Good day Terri Speaking”

MOTD: “Hi, I wonder if you could help me, I’m looking for a package to the Soccer World Cup in Brazil.”

ME: “Sure sir, which games are you looking at going to?”

MOTD: “There are four of us and we want to go to the opening and finals.”

ME: “Unfortunately the opening and finals are sold out Sir. We have packages available for the Semi-Finals?”

MOTD: “Sold out?”

ME: “Yes, sir. Are there any other games you would be interested in?”

MOTD: “How can they be sold out?”

ME: “They have been on sale since last year and have been sold out for a while.”

MOTD: “So there are none for the finals?”

ME: “Yes sir. They are both sold out.”

MOTD: “And nothing for the opening?”

ME: “Yes Sir, they are both sold out.”

MOTD: “Money is not an issue; I can pay for the expensive tickets.”

ME: “I understand sir but the tickets are all sold out for both the opening and finals. Are there any oth…”

MOTD: “THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!”

ME: “I’m sor…”

MOTD: “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TELLING ME THERE ARE NO TICKETS LEFT FOR BOTH GAMES?!”

ME: “Yes sir, both are sold out, would you may be like to speak to…”

MOTD: “THIS IS BULLSHIT! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM!”

ME: “No sir, may I ask who is speaking?”

MOTD: “THIS IS SUCH BULLSHIT! WHO IS YOUR MANAGER?!”

ME: “Her name is _______ would you like to speak to her sir?”

MOTD: *loud bang* Beep… Beep… Beep…

Let’s discuss:

1. The words “Sold Out” generally mean there are no tickets left… Even the 'expensive' ones.
2. If you so desperately wanted to go to those specific games, surely you would purchase tickets for them when they went on sale around a year ago. Oh, wait. That falls under Common Sense, something you have nothing of.
3. Contrary to what you may believe, screaming at me on the phone will not magically produce tickets for you to purchase nor will it make you a man, but rather portray you as a toddler with a wet diaper throwing a temper tantrum.
4. When asking “Do you know who I am?” you better have a flipping impressive answer for when I do ask… You know like “I’m King Joffrey” or “Lord Dick Face, ruler of all pretentious prats.” Otherwise you just give away how insignificant you really are.
5. Lastly, if you ask who my manager is in an attempt to frighten me, at least have the balls to go through with it and speak to her. Don’t hang up like a little bitch. It’s pathetic.

Moron Of The Day #1

ME: “(company name) Good day Terri speaking.”

MOTD: “Hi, yes, hello. I don’t know if you can help me.”

ME: “May I ask what it is regarding?”

MOTD: “I found your number on the internet. I’m looking to play cricket for a team.”

ME: “Sorry sir, we do sports tourism.”

MOTD: “Yes, so can you help me with a team.”

ME: “Sir we are a tourism company, we send people to watch sports, we don’t run any teams.”

MOTD: “You are in Durban right?”

ME: “Yes sir, we are.”

MOTD: “So then why can’t you help me?”

ME: “We don’t run any teams. We only send people to watch the games. You would have to find a league and get a hold of them.”

MOTD: “You’re not a cricket league?”

ME: “No sir, we are a tourism company.”

MOTD: “But you do sports.”

ME: “Sports Tourism, we send tourists overseas to WATCH sports, we don’t run the teams.”

MOTD: “I don’t understand why you can’t give me a team to play for. You’re in Sports.”

ME: “We are in Tourism sir.”

MOTD: “OH Tourism. Why didn’t you say.”

ME: “______ Ok… Thanks for calling______”

I Like That Shit #1

Contrary to popular belief, I’m actually a very happy person who likes a lot of stuff. I’m cynical, opinionated, extremely sarcastic and occasionally inappropriate, but gosh darn I love this lump of rock we live on and I’m rather optimistic about the potential of its inhabitants.

A friend pointed out I should tell people about the things I think are awesome, not just the stuff that annoys me. So this is my first post about the random shit I like.

I Like Black & White Cows.

While I harbor no ill feelings towards other cows, the fun loving black and white cows you see frolicking in fields are my favourite. No clue why I like them more than other cows but I do. 

Cows are really rad; they have friendships and hold grudges just like people. They get excited when let out into the field after a long period of time and some jump into the air from pure excitement. 

Jumping cows… That’s funny. No seriously… Picture it. Then watch this... Jumping Cows

Plus they are just so flipping cute! Awkward giant bodies walking around on twig legs... They are just funny animals... I love funny animals.