Cinderella:
If some old hag was treating me like crap I would make her life excruciatingly uncomfortable. I’m talking poison ivy leave stuffed into her pillow and cat poop in her porridge. (Cinderella had a cat)
Let’s say for argument sake Cinderella was a spineless idiot with no imagination (even though her animals “spoke” to her) and that’s why she just took all the crap shoveled her way.
You are sitting at home and your meanie stepsisters have gone to the ball… *tears tears* Enter your fairy godmother, she is magic and can send you to the ball all clean and beautiful “OH HAPPY DAY!” NO! If this sparkly asshole is your fairy godmother where the stuff has she been all these years while you were being mistreated? B*tch couldn’t take five minutes out of her day to appear at your house and scare the shit out of your step mother and sisters? Really? REALLY?! You can turn a pumpkin into a carriage and mice into horses but you can’t scare a bunch of pompous snot nosed brats? RUDE!
Then she has the nerve to send you out dancing in glass slippers? GLASS!? Am I the only one who thinks that would be f*ck off sore? Let alone if you make a step out of tune that shit could break and cut you. The fairy godmother is worse than the stepmother. Sadist.
Ok ok… So let’s just say Cinderella didn’t think to ask for help, you know, to get out of the shitty life she was living but instead like a true YOLO kid decided she just wanted to party… So she goes to the ball… Really slowly because if you break a heel it could end you.
So she arrives at the ball and everyone is all “Wow!” “Ooooh” “Ahhhh” “She must be a Princess from a faraway land” and she gets her boogie on (do people still say boogie?) all night with the Prince who falls hopelessly in love with her. (In a couple hours? You fell in love? Ha. Sure. Ok. Moron.)
So it’s midnight and everything is turning back to shit and Cinderella takes off like a bat out of hell so no one knows it was her all along and she loses a glass slipper on the stairs while fleeing. (B*tches be drunk losing shoes and shit) and she makes it far enough away from the Prince before everything turns back to pumpkins and rags and stuff.
So the Prince finds the slipper and vows to find the foot it belongs to… Because you know he is in love with her but can’t recognize her voice or her, you know, HER FACE! No no no… This Prince will marry whoever the shoe fits… Does he have a foot fetish that this is the only way he can find the woman he “loves”? How drunk were you at this ball dude?
So he starts looking for the “Princess from a faraway land” in his own kingdom… Surely if she was from a faraway land then that’s where you would start looking?
Oh and I haven’t forgotten… He is carrying around this glass slipper to find the one it fits… Why didn’t it turn back to a regular crappy shoe when everything else did? Why is this the one item that made it past midnight? Again… I’m guessing because the fairy godmother is a jerk.
So anyway… He gets to Cinderellas house and is all like “Woman put this shoe on” but can’t tell from her FACE that it’s her and the shoe fits so he marries her.
I mean, that’s cool… You met her once and spent an evening dancing with her and now you two are getting married because all he needs to know is that she cleans up well and has pretty feet and all she needs to know is he’s rich… Nothing wrong with the ending of that story at all… Go ahead… Let your kids watch it… My brain hurts.
END!
