I Say Ol' Chap... It's Been A While:

Friends, Romans, Countrymen... And other entities, here's a little catch up on what has been going down in my life.

So, I spent a great deal of my time as an unemployed citizen of South Africa being an absolute total bum. Which turns out is not as fun as I thought it would be, in fact its actually quite boring. Everyone is off to work and moving forward in life while you are kind of just stuck. You don't move forward, you don't move anywhere, you just stop and then nothing. It sucks major!

BUUUUUUUUUUUT...

After seven months of having nothing to do when I woke up in the morning, I HAVE A JOB! YAY! Yes ladies and gentlemen, I am an employed functioning member of society again. Oh man, paying taxes has never been so satisfying... I'm so excited I have dinosaurs in my tummy (butterflies are for the weak)

One upside to not having a job: I was lucky enough to spend as much time as I wanted with my gorgeous nephew... He is the cutest human in all the lands and anyone who says otherwise will be slapped. In the face. With a roller skate.

So my new job is working for an IT company and it is flipping rad! Finally humans I understand. Nerds and geeks all on different levels but all the same. Aaaahhh... These are my people.

I haven't known them for long but I adore our technicians and I think they are warming up to me... After all, they can finally speak to me and are starting to actually hold a conversation with me. Like real people. Just kidding! (but seriously)

In other amazing news:
I have a boyfriend! Oh yes... I have an amazing boyfriend who I love like a fat kid loves cake. (mmmmm Cake.) He is amazing. We have been dating for the better part of a year. I'm generally happy but he makes me happier. Like Pink Fluffy Unicorns Dancing On Rainbows kind of happy. What more could you ask for in a human?
BUT! More on this amazing human later.

I'm still loving Roller Derby. Our amazing team of rainbow llamas has grown and our new teamies are a perfect fit. What awesome people!
Also more about The MissFits (CLICK HERE NOW AND GO LIKE US!) and our amazing Team ZA later. There is waaaay to much to write about them... This post would go on for days! (DAYS SON!)

SO LET'S RECAP:

1. I have a job and my colleagues are epic.
2. My nephew is the best human ever.
3. I have a boyfriend and he's better than yours. Damn right he's better than yours. (I sang that.)
4. Roller Derby is the most amazing sport to ever hit the planet and you should join us for all of the awesome.

If this post about me was too boring for you... Here are some useless facts for your useless self. Read them and go away. I don't want to be your friend anymore:

- On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.

- On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

- It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

- The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

- A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. 

- Pepsi originally contained pepsin, thus the name. 

- Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

- The electric chair was invented by a dentist. (Not surprised? Neither was I)

- "Go." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

- Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously. 

- A snail can sleep for three years. 

- Honey is the only natural food that is made without destroying any kind of life. What about milk you say? A cow has to eat grass to produce milk and grass is living.

- The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

- Spiral staircases in medieval castles run clockwise. This is because all knights used to be right-handed. When the intruding army would climb the stairs they would not be able to use their right hand which was holding the sword because of the difficulties of climbing the stairs. Left-handed knights would have had no troubles, except left-handed people could never become knights because it was assumed that they were descendants of the devil. 

OK! So here's the deal:

I know I haven't blogged in a long time and frankly I didn't realize my neurotic ramblings meant that much to you guys. I have received a few mails from people asking what my problem is, stuff along the lines of "You start a blog and then just don't post in it. What's up with that?"

I apologize if I have hindered your growth as a human being in anyway. (Just kidding! You know you're awesome Mark)I have however been a little preoccupied by job hunting and real world problems. Not to mention Blogspot has been wigging out something hectic! Having issues logging in and if I try to add a picture to a post, everything just stops and refuses to work again. (Seriously, it's annoying and if anyone can help please feel free)

So just for your benefit here's a little catch up on what you have missed:

I was retrenched (but you already knew that) and have been job hunting. Not going to lie to you, it sucks!

A few days after my last day at work, I went to roller derby practice and got my brand spanking new SureGrip Avenger roller skates. It was love at first sight. They are my new babies and I love them. After hugging my new skates for a while, I strapped my safety gear on (safety is sexy) and laced those bad boys up. They are super-fast and I'm a little afraid of them. They move without you trying and I am not used to that.

Practice rolled on (pun intended) and I didn't die during the drills. We then had scrimmage which I was a little worried about on my new skates I'm not used to yet but I thought what the hell, what's the worst that could happen? Boy was I in for a surprise.

A few minutes into our scrimmage practice I went down and I went down weird! I landed awkwardly on my ankle, heard a crack and felt a wave of pain hit me. After being calmed down by my teammates, they assured me my skates were ok (yes, I was worried about my new babies!) and strapped my ankle to a splint. Our Captain Szerdi, teammie Amy and I then embarked on our great adventure to the closest hospital. I'm pretty sure the nurses thought we were pranking them when we pulled up at the emergency room laughing and joking. After all who cracks jokes while being put in a wheelchair? Apparently we do.

After being seen to by two nurses, a doctor and an X-Ray machine we were given the good news, no break and no fracture! Yay! Just a really bad sprain. Never been so happy for a sprained ankle before. The nurses strapped my ankle, gave me an injection for the pain and a set of red crutches (I asked for purple ones but apparently they don't have purple ones.)

My teamies who drove me to the hospital and all of those who joined us after practice made my trip to the emergency room way more fun than it should have been.

So I haven't been able to skate for the past couple weeks and won't be able to for a couple more but my awesome team have still kept me apart of everything. They are the best and I'm honoured to be a part of the MissFits.

Apart from job hunting and screwing up my ankle, I've been hanging out with friends and meeting new rad people.

Oh and crutches SUCK! They suck big hairy monkey balls!

That's all.

Moron of the Day #6

ME: “(company name) good day Terri speaking."

MOTD: “Hi, please can I speak to Michelle.”

ME: “I’m sorry Sir, we don’t have a Michelle working here.”

MOTD: “I’m looking at her mail right now.”

ME: “I’m sorry sir but there is no Michelle in this company. Are you sure you have come through to the right company?”

MOTD: “Is this (our company name)?”

ME: “Yes Sir it is but…”

MOTD: “Exactly! I want to speak to Michelle from YOUR company!”

ME: “I’m sorry Sir but there isn’t anyone with that name working here.”

MOTD: “I’M LOOKING AT HER EMAIL RIGHT NOW!”

ME: “May I ask, what does the email address say Sir?”

MOTD: “THIS IS REDICULOUS! MICHELLE READY! COMPANY NAME (insert silence) Oh… Michelle@(not our company).co.za.”

ME: “Have a lovely day Sir.”

MOTD: “Sorry about that.”

ME: “No problem.”

The saddest part of this entire debacle... He was actually polite compared to some of the people I've spoken to this morning.

Five Days... Just five more days.

Mother Nature is trying to kill you #3

So I've told you about a small number of creatures Mother Nature has spent a little more creativity on than others to make them rather frightening for their size. Today’s post is not about an animal the size of an eraser that could render you unconscious in minutes or any cute little critters who could kill you with one bite… No today I’m going to tell you about Mother Nature’s fail safe. Her BIG RED BUTTON she could press at any second to just reboot the planet and start again when the dust settles.(literally)

Please welcome to the monster party: Supervolcanoes!(insert dramatic echo)

You read that right… SUPERvolcanoes… You know, because regular volcanoes weren't scary enough.
I actually learned about Supervolcanoes when I was in high school, not in school because why would they teach us of such evil. No I watched documentaries and stumbled across one about these beauts. (Got to say I've had a little crush on Mother Nature since then. Bitches be twisted!)

So what makes a Supervolcano different to a regular volcano? Glad you asked.
A Supervolcano is a volcano on a massive scale, (DUH!) it erupts at least 1,000 cubic kilometers of material, a large volcano erupts around 1 cubic km… (oh crap.) While a regular volcano forms a cone like shape, a Supervolcano forms a depression in the earth (it’s called a caldera) and often has a ridge of higher land around it - Check out the images below.

Regular Volcano

Supervolcano
(Pretty)

Super-volcanic eruptions typically cause a long-lasting change to the weather and have the ability to trigger a small ice age sufficient enough to threaten our species with extinction.
Lucky for us a Supervolcano erupts less frequently… Eruptions are hundreds of thousands of years apart. (Approximately one erupts every 50,000 years) The most recent eruption on Earth occurred 74,000 years ago at the Toba Caldera in Sumatra, Indonesia. It cooled the whole Earth by 6.1 degrees and it has never heated up again. (Imagine our Summers 6.1 degrees hotter than they are. Pffft! Toba did us a favor.)

Here is a basic breakdown of how a Caldera is created:

Magma cannot escape to the surface and
collects under the lower crust.

An 'uplifted bulge' begins to form under the lower crust
as the magma chamber enlarges.

Cracks appear on the surface. Gas and ash erupt
from the magma chamber through these cracks.

The magma chamber collapses and
a depression is formed. This is called a caldera

There are about 40 known Supervolcanoes around the world, most are inactive. I have my favorites though. (As one does) The Toba Caldera is pretty rad but it's no Yellowstone Caldera. 
Yellowstone National Park has one of the largest Supervolcanoes in the world, the Yellowstone Caldera. The last eruption was 640,000 years ago. 
It is over 80 Kilometers long, 45 Kilometers wide and is large enough to hold the worlds largest city Tokyo in it. (Population 18 million)

The force of a supervolcanic eruption at Yellowstone would be the equivalent of 1,000 Hiroshima bombs exploding every second. Temperatures would drop by up to 12 degrees in the Northern Hemisphere and up to 16 degrees in the Southern Hemisphere causing mass starvation as the monsoon rains would stop. Not to mention the toxic smog and ash emitted from one single eruption would cover two thirds of the planet. The estimated total worldwide death toll from a Yellowstone eruption has been set at a minimum of 1 billion. 

Although scientists have concluded there is no threat of it erupting in the foreseeable future, it is however very active, changing in height and size every couple of years.

This is Mother Natures ultimate weapon and half the planet has no clue it even exists. You've got to hand it to her Mother Nature has a warped but creative imagination.


*Random Fact to make you feel better about life and all fuzzy inside again. One of Scotland's National Animals is a Unicorn. True story.

#YOLO Kids: When your friends become them.

So I was called a “sexually repressed moron” for “throwing shade” (huh?) at a friend of mine. I’m guessing throwing shade means something along the lines of expressing concern for her with a less than tasteful picture floating around a public forum? I think… Haven’t the foggiest!

So I did what any old lady born in the 80’s would do… I went to the one place you can get a definition and example of a YOLO Kids dialect, that’s right ladies and gentlemen Urban Dictionary and here is what I found:

Ok… I now understand what it means and I can respectfully disagree.

Approaching a friend privately about a picture featuring her, some other girl, a penis (yes, I know. It was plastic but you had to look closely to see that, so my point still stands) and some distastefully placed squirting liquid is in fact NOT throwing shade! It is actually giving a shit about your friends and how they are perceived by the public.
This picture is the banner of a public Facebook page, up there for the entire world to see. THE ENTIRE WORLD! That includes perspective employers. For someone who has not finished varsity yet, perhaps this should be taken seriously. I know for a fact before people consider you for a position in their company, they search your social networking pages. They get someone like me who can find all your dirty laundry you have aired on the Internet. (Even if you think you've deleted it. I'm good but it's not that hard.)

So yes, YOLO. This is correct, you really do only live once but you're a complete moron if you think you live without consequences for your actions.
You live once regretting all the stupid punk ass shit you have done in the name of "fun" because this shit comes back to haunt you. When it does (and it will.) take a good hard look at who is still standing at your side. It's more than likely going to be the people who were called "sexually repressed morons" because they had the good sense to tell you that shit was a bad idea.

Those are the friends who actually care about you. The ones who would rather you hate them, than sit back and say nothing while you blindly run down a dangerous path.
Those are however also the people who can only do so much before they wash their hands of your bullshit. (nobody with any self respect wants to be associated with someone who has that kind of reputation) 

So basically, make better life decisions.

Mother Nature is trying to kill you #2

Not all Scorpions are created equal. Some have ability to kill and maim you... Others not so much. Today I'm going to tell you about the scorpions who will do no harm to you what so ever... Just kidding! Where is the fun in that? Instead I'm going to tell you about the three most deadly scorpions found all around the world, Some can be found right in your back garden! FUN!

Let's start:

The Deathstalker Scorpion (Leiurus quinquestriatus)

The Deathstalker scorpions dangerous sounding name should be warning enough. It is definitely one of the most dangerous scorpions in the world. It's venom is a highly toxic neurotoxin and if stung, the victim will likely never forget the excruciating pain it delivers.

The symptoms of a Deathstalker scorpions sting is an increased heartbeat, high blood pressure, convulsions and coma. It may even cause death to small children or unhealthy adults.

It is not advisable to have these scorpions as pets. (which apparently people do? WTF! They are scorpions!) The reason why is because (they are scorpions) these scorpions are very aggressive (plus they are scorpions) and become very agitated when confined in a small cage. (because they are SCORPIONS!)

Luckily there is an effective anti-venom for the Deathstalker. It is highly advised to seek medical attention if somebody gets stung by these scorpions. (If this is not obvious to you then do the world a favor and just ride it out, see what happens.)

It is sometimes very hard to identify them, because their color varies depending on where they live. They usually are yellow or green and due to their plastic-like appearance, they look almost like toys. So if you see a "toy" scorpion just hanging out all alone... Maybe leave it where it is. Mkay?

Arabian Fat-Tailed Scorpion

It has been an ongoing debate as to whether or not the Arabian fat-tailed scorpion or the Deathstalker is the most dangerous. To be honest, I don't really care who would win in a battle, I'm staying the heck away from BOTH!

A sting from the Arabian fat-tailed scorpion can cause a number of terrible symptoms. Besides the obvious pain, there are seizures, unconsciousness and hypertension. The people who are most in danger of dying from its sting are (again) young children, unhealthy people and people with heart problems. Death doesn't usually occur however because of an anti-venom which can usually be delivered in time. Although if you are an idiot and don't get yourself some anti-venom within 7 hours, well the world will be one idiot less.

Many people have claimed the Arabian fat-tailed and the Black fat-tailed are the same species. These people are stupid and should not be allowed to comment on anything. Ever. While they do look similar, (Most scorpions look alike. They are scorpions.) they are two distinct and very different species. Don't believe me? Still want to argue? How about I sting you with the Arabian fat-tailed and offer you the anti-venom for the Black fat-tailed? How sure are you that you're not a moron?

ANYWAY! Moving right along to what is said to be the most dangerous scorpion in the world...

The Indian Red Scorpion (Hottentotta Tamulus)

The Indian Red Scorpion has been said to be the most lethal in the world. Although not agreed upon by all, this tiny scorpion does pack a huge punch. 

When stung, typically victims experience nausea, heart problems, discoloration of the skin, and in more severe cases, pulmonary edema, which is basically accumulation of fluid in the lungs.

Pulmonary edema causes shortness of breath and could lead to death. Severity of these symptoms depends on the amount of venom received and the susceptibility of the victim.

Scary? Nope.

What's really scary is that scorpion anti-venom doesn't help much with a sting from an Indian Red Scorpion. According to clinical studies, however, prazosin, which is a drug used to treat high blood pressure, can raise mortality rates by 4%. My advice... just don't get stung!

These deadly scorpions live mostly in India and in the eastern regions of Nepal and Pakistan. They have also been found in Sri Lanka, but sightings are rare.

Indian Red Scorpions are not very large, ranging from 40 to 60 millimeters in length. The color of the species varies from orange to brown to grey, and have dark grey spots scattered from the head on down to the lower back. They also have relatively small pincers and a large stinger end.

I don't know about you guys but I've always considered all scorpions a threat. I don't care if some are as harmless as a bee... Do you run around playing with bees? No. You don't. Mainly because it hurts when they sting you. Harmless as a bee pfft, let's put you in a room with a bee and see how you react! 

Scorpions are not our friends!

International Ask A Question Day: Part 2

INTERNATIONAL ASK A QUESTION DAY!

I've done this all already today, you can check out International Ask A Question Day: Part 1 HERE. 

This is just me following on from there, answering more questions. Not going to lie, this is fun.

Could Robocop kill a Terminator?

Yes but it would be close. Robocop isn't as maneuverable as a Terminator (we're talking about a T-800 now), but he is equally-bulletproof and comes pre-loaded with weapons, whereas a T-800 has to obtain his boots, clothes, and motorcycle. Plus its Robocop bitch!

What is the most annoying thing you can think of?

At the moment a ringing telephone.

Who won the whiteboard? (This is an inside joke among Splashy Fen friends)

Well, Nicole it was a close run between you and I but I did… Proudly dunk if I might add.

Who would win a fight between rambetty and max from 2 broke girls?(Another inside joke among Splashy Fen friends)

Well Emma, you are Rambetty and I am apparently Max’s doppelganger. So let’s get some shots, fat sumo wrestler suits and sort this out like men.


Will you please kidnap me and never give me back and will you make sure there’s bacon when I’m allowed out from under ur bed?
Well Mark, lucky for you I'm creepy. There is plenty space under my bed and always bacon but you can’t eat in my room. I’m Myrmecophobic and food attracts ants. Bacon attracts everything really but it’s the ants I’m most worried about.


Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?
Creativity is on some level Insanity.


What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
Drink whiskey. I like mine in a teacup, thanks.


How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?
I’m a weirdo.


What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?
Punch all the stupid people. The law.


Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
Yes.


If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?
California. Disneyland obviously. 


Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?
Yes. No.


Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
I'd rather be Batman.


Why are you, “you”?
No one else wanted to be.


Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?
Meh, I’d tolerate my nonsense. I'm not that annoying and pretty good with a knife.


Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?
The first, the only way I would lose touch with someone who lives right here is because they are a dick and I have no interest in being friends with them anymore. Harsh I know but it’s true.


What are you most grateful for?
Oxygen.


Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?
Lose old memories and then watch Doctor Who for the first time AGAIN!


Is it possible to know the truth without challenging it first?
Yes.


Has your greatest fear ever come true?
No.


Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?
Dude, were you stalking me 5 years ago? Yes, it still matters.


What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?
Well, one is: Fell, grazed my knee and had my sister picking gravel out of my knee with tweezers.  My big sister would do anything to help me. It’s good to know.


At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?
DERBY!


If not now, then when?
Later.


Who would win in a fight between Tyler Durden and Obi-Wan Kenobi?
Oh Gosh! This is probably the hardest "who would win" question yet. Ok, let's break this down.
Tyler is a rock hard fighting machine.
Obi Wan is a freaking Jedi!
Tyler has the crazy on his side.
Obi Wan has a lightsaber.
Tyler plays dirty.
Ob Wa... OH Who are we kidding?! Obviously Obi Wan wins! He is a Jedi with a lightsaber and is super wise. Obi Wan would make Tyler his bitch.


Why? (Thanks Sam, this is a good one.)

Because Alcohol.