Moron of the Day #6

ME: “(company name) good day Terri speaking."

MOTD: “Hi, please can I speak to Michelle.”

ME: “I’m sorry Sir, we don’t have a Michelle working here.”

MOTD: “I’m looking at her mail right now.”

ME: “I’m sorry sir but there is no Michelle in this company. Are you sure you have come through to the right company?”

MOTD: “Is this (our company name)?”

ME: “Yes Sir it is but…”

MOTD: “Exactly! I want to speak to Michelle from YOUR company!”

ME: “I’m sorry Sir but there isn’t anyone with that name working here.”

MOTD: “I’M LOOKING AT HER EMAIL RIGHT NOW!”

ME: “May I ask, what does the email address say Sir?”

MOTD: “THIS IS REDICULOUS! MICHELLE READY! COMPANY NAME (insert silence) Oh… Michelle@(not our company).co.za.”

ME: “Have a lovely day Sir.”

MOTD: “Sorry about that.”

ME: “No problem.”

The saddest part of this entire debacle... He was actually polite compared to some of the people I've spoken to this morning.

Five Days... Just five more days.

Mother Nature is trying to kill you #3

So I've told you about a small number of creatures Mother Nature has spent a little more creativity on than others to make them rather frightening for their size. Today’s post is not about an animal the size of an eraser that could render you unconscious in minutes or any cute little critters who could kill you with one bite… No today I’m going to tell you about Mother Nature’s fail safe. Her BIG RED BUTTON she could press at any second to just reboot the planet and start again when the dust settles.(literally)

Please welcome to the monster party: Supervolcanoes!(insert dramatic echo)

You read that right… SUPERvolcanoes… You know, because regular volcanoes weren't scary enough.
I actually learned about Supervolcanoes when I was in high school, not in school because why would they teach us of such evil. No I watched documentaries and stumbled across one about these beauts. (Got to say I've had a little crush on Mother Nature since then. Bitches be twisted!)

So what makes a Supervolcano different to a regular volcano? Glad you asked.
A Supervolcano is a volcano on a massive scale, (DUH!) it erupts at least 1,000 cubic kilometers of material, a large volcano erupts around 1 cubic km… (oh crap.) While a regular volcano forms a cone like shape, a Supervolcano forms a depression in the earth (it’s called a caldera) and often has a ridge of higher land around it - Check out the images below.

Regular Volcano

Supervolcano
(Pretty)

Super-volcanic eruptions typically cause a long-lasting change to the weather and have the ability to trigger a small ice age sufficient enough to threaten our species with extinction.
Lucky for us a Supervolcano erupts less frequently… Eruptions are hundreds of thousands of years apart. (Approximately one erupts every 50,000 years) The most recent eruption on Earth occurred 74,000 years ago at the Toba Caldera in Sumatra, Indonesia. It cooled the whole Earth by 6.1 degrees and it has never heated up again. (Imagine our Summers 6.1 degrees hotter than they are. Pffft! Toba did us a favor.)

Here is a basic breakdown of how a Caldera is created:

Magma cannot escape to the surface and
collects under the lower crust.

An 'uplifted bulge' begins to form under the lower crust
as the magma chamber enlarges.

Cracks appear on the surface. Gas and ash erupt
from the magma chamber through these cracks.

The magma chamber collapses and
a depression is formed. This is called a caldera

There are about 40 known Supervolcanoes around the world, most are inactive. I have my favorites though. (As one does) The Toba Caldera is pretty rad but it's no Yellowstone Caldera. 
Yellowstone National Park has one of the largest Supervolcanoes in the world, the Yellowstone Caldera. The last eruption was 640,000 years ago. 
It is over 80 Kilometers long, 45 Kilometers wide and is large enough to hold the worlds largest city Tokyo in it. (Population 18 million)

The force of a supervolcanic eruption at Yellowstone would be the equivalent of 1,000 Hiroshima bombs exploding every second. Temperatures would drop by up to 12 degrees in the Northern Hemisphere and up to 16 degrees in the Southern Hemisphere causing mass starvation as the monsoon rains would stop. Not to mention the toxic smog and ash emitted from one single eruption would cover two thirds of the planet. The estimated total worldwide death toll from a Yellowstone eruption has been set at a minimum of 1 billion. 

Although scientists have concluded there is no threat of it erupting in the foreseeable future, it is however very active, changing in height and size every couple of years.

This is Mother Natures ultimate weapon and half the planet has no clue it even exists. You've got to hand it to her Mother Nature has a warped but creative imagination.


*Random Fact to make you feel better about life and all fuzzy inside again. One of Scotland's National Animals is a Unicorn. True story.

#YOLO Kids: When your friends become them.

So I was called a “sexually repressed moron” for “throwing shade” (huh?) at a friend of mine. I’m guessing throwing shade means something along the lines of expressing concern for her with a less than tasteful picture floating around a public forum? I think… Haven’t the foggiest!

So I did what any old lady born in the 80’s would do… I went to the one place you can get a definition and example of a YOLO Kids dialect, that’s right ladies and gentlemen Urban Dictionary and here is what I found:

Ok… I now understand what it means and I can respectfully disagree.

Approaching a friend privately about a picture featuring her, some other girl, a penis (yes, I know. It was plastic but you had to look closely to see that, so my point still stands) and some distastefully placed squirting liquid is in fact NOT throwing shade! It is actually giving a shit about your friends and how they are perceived by the public.
This picture is the banner of a public Facebook page, up there for the entire world to see. THE ENTIRE WORLD! That includes perspective employers. For someone who has not finished varsity yet, perhaps this should be taken seriously. I know for a fact before people consider you for a position in their company, they search your social networking pages. They get someone like me who can find all your dirty laundry you have aired on the Internet. (Even if you think you've deleted it. I'm good but it's not that hard.)

So yes, YOLO. This is correct, you really do only live once but you're a complete moron if you think you live without consequences for your actions.
You live once regretting all the stupid punk ass shit you have done in the name of "fun" because this shit comes back to haunt you. When it does (and it will.) take a good hard look at who is still standing at your side. It's more than likely going to be the people who were called "sexually repressed morons" because they had the good sense to tell you that shit was a bad idea.

Those are the friends who actually care about you. The ones who would rather you hate them, than sit back and say nothing while you blindly run down a dangerous path.
Those are however also the people who can only do so much before they wash their hands of your bullshit. (nobody with any self respect wants to be associated with someone who has that kind of reputation) 

So basically, make better life decisions.

Mother Nature is trying to kill you #2

Not all Scorpions are created equal. Some have ability to kill and maim you... Others not so much. Today I'm going to tell you about the scorpions who will do no harm to you what so ever... Just kidding! Where is the fun in that? Instead I'm going to tell you about the three most deadly scorpions found all around the world, Some can be found right in your back garden! FUN!

Let's start:

The Deathstalker Scorpion (Leiurus quinquestriatus)

The Deathstalker scorpions dangerous sounding name should be warning enough. It is definitely one of the most dangerous scorpions in the world. It's venom is a highly toxic neurotoxin and if stung, the victim will likely never forget the excruciating pain it delivers.

The symptoms of a Deathstalker scorpions sting is an increased heartbeat, high blood pressure, convulsions and coma. It may even cause death to small children or unhealthy adults.

It is not advisable to have these scorpions as pets. (which apparently people do? WTF! They are scorpions!) The reason why is because (they are scorpions) these scorpions are very aggressive (plus they are scorpions) and become very agitated when confined in a small cage. (because they are SCORPIONS!)

Luckily there is an effective anti-venom for the Deathstalker. It is highly advised to seek medical attention if somebody gets stung by these scorpions. (If this is not obvious to you then do the world a favor and just ride it out, see what happens.)

It is sometimes very hard to identify them, because their color varies depending on where they live. They usually are yellow or green and due to their plastic-like appearance, they look almost like toys. So if you see a "toy" scorpion just hanging out all alone... Maybe leave it where it is. Mkay?

Arabian Fat-Tailed Scorpion

It has been an ongoing debate as to whether or not the Arabian fat-tailed scorpion or the Deathstalker is the most dangerous. To be honest, I don't really care who would win in a battle, I'm staying the heck away from BOTH!

A sting from the Arabian fat-tailed scorpion can cause a number of terrible symptoms. Besides the obvious pain, there are seizures, unconsciousness and hypertension. The people who are most in danger of dying from its sting are (again) young children, unhealthy people and people with heart problems. Death doesn't usually occur however because of an anti-venom which can usually be delivered in time. Although if you are an idiot and don't get yourself some anti-venom within 7 hours, well the world will be one idiot less.

Many people have claimed the Arabian fat-tailed and the Black fat-tailed are the same species. These people are stupid and should not be allowed to comment on anything. Ever. While they do look similar, (Most scorpions look alike. They are scorpions.) they are two distinct and very different species. Don't believe me? Still want to argue? How about I sting you with the Arabian fat-tailed and offer you the anti-venom for the Black fat-tailed? How sure are you that you're not a moron?

ANYWAY! Moving right along to what is said to be the most dangerous scorpion in the world...

The Indian Red Scorpion (Hottentotta Tamulus)

The Indian Red Scorpion has been said to be the most lethal in the world. Although not agreed upon by all, this tiny scorpion does pack a huge punch. 

When stung, typically victims experience nausea, heart problems, discoloration of the skin, and in more severe cases, pulmonary edema, which is basically accumulation of fluid in the lungs.

Pulmonary edema causes shortness of breath and could lead to death. Severity of these symptoms depends on the amount of venom received and the susceptibility of the victim.

Scary? Nope.

What's really scary is that scorpion anti-venom doesn't help much with a sting from an Indian Red Scorpion. According to clinical studies, however, prazosin, which is a drug used to treat high blood pressure, can raise mortality rates by 4%. My advice... just don't get stung!

These deadly scorpions live mostly in India and in the eastern regions of Nepal and Pakistan. They have also been found in Sri Lanka, but sightings are rare.

Indian Red Scorpions are not very large, ranging from 40 to 60 millimeters in length. The color of the species varies from orange to brown to grey, and have dark grey spots scattered from the head on down to the lower back. They also have relatively small pincers and a large stinger end.

I don't know about you guys but I've always considered all scorpions a threat. I don't care if some are as harmless as a bee... Do you run around playing with bees? No. You don't. Mainly because it hurts when they sting you. Harmless as a bee pfft, let's put you in a room with a bee and see how you react! 

Scorpions are not our friends!

International Ask A Question Day: Part 2

INTERNATIONAL ASK A QUESTION DAY!

I've done this all already today, you can check out International Ask A Question Day: Part 1 HERE. 

This is just me following on from there, answering more questions. Not going to lie, this is fun.

Could Robocop kill a Terminator?

Yes but it would be close. Robocop isn't as maneuverable as a Terminator (we're talking about a T-800 now), but he is equally-bulletproof and comes pre-loaded with weapons, whereas a T-800 has to obtain his boots, clothes, and motorcycle. Plus its Robocop bitch!

What is the most annoying thing you can think of?

At the moment a ringing telephone.

Who won the whiteboard? (This is an inside joke among Splashy Fen friends)

Well, Nicole it was a close run between you and I but I did… Proudly dunk if I might add.

Who would win a fight between rambetty and max from 2 broke girls?(Another inside joke among Splashy Fen friends)

Well Emma, you are Rambetty and I am apparently Max’s doppelganger. So let’s get some shots, fat sumo wrestler suits and sort this out like men.


Will you please kidnap me and never give me back and will you make sure there’s bacon when I’m allowed out from under ur bed?
Well Mark, lucky for you I'm creepy. There is plenty space under my bed and always bacon but you can’t eat in my room. I’m Myrmecophobic and food attracts ants. Bacon attracts everything really but it’s the ants I’m most worried about.


Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?
Creativity is on some level Insanity.


What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
Drink whiskey. I like mine in a teacup, thanks.


How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?
I’m a weirdo.


What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?
Punch all the stupid people. The law.


Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
Yes.


If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?
California. Disneyland obviously. 


Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?
Yes. No.


Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
I'd rather be Batman.


Why are you, “you”?
No one else wanted to be.


Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?
Meh, I’d tolerate my nonsense. I'm not that annoying and pretty good with a knife.


Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?
The first, the only way I would lose touch with someone who lives right here is because they are a dick and I have no interest in being friends with them anymore. Harsh I know but it’s true.


What are you most grateful for?
Oxygen.


Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?
Lose old memories and then watch Doctor Who for the first time AGAIN!


Is it possible to know the truth without challenging it first?
Yes.


Has your greatest fear ever come true?
No.


Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?
Dude, were you stalking me 5 years ago? Yes, it still matters.


What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?
Well, one is: Fell, grazed my knee and had my sister picking gravel out of my knee with tweezers.  My big sister would do anything to help me. It’s good to know.


At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?
DERBY!


If not now, then when?
Later.


Who would win in a fight between Tyler Durden and Obi-Wan Kenobi?
Oh Gosh! This is probably the hardest "who would win" question yet. Ok, let's break this down.
Tyler is a rock hard fighting machine.
Obi Wan is a freaking Jedi!
Tyler has the crazy on his side.
Obi Wan has a lightsaber.
Tyler plays dirty.
Ob Wa... OH Who are we kidding?! Obviously Obi Wan wins! He is a Jedi with a lightsaber and is super wise. Obi Wan would make Tyler his bitch.


Why? (Thanks Sam, this is a good one.)

Because Alcohol.

International Ask A Question Day: Part 1

So today is international ask a question day. Really? Yes.
I posted on my social network pages asking people to ask me a question, any question they had a burning desire to have answered, and I would do my best to have an answer for them by 4pm right here.

Turns out... People had a crap load of questions to ask me, so I'm going to post some of them now and more later... Otherwise this blog post would go on for DAAAAAAYS! (Drama queen, I know.)

Not going to lie, some of the questions I was asked left me seriously troubled about who I'm friends with. (Bitches be psycho!)

Here are the answers to your somewhat disturbing questions:

You once posted you love cows, do you eat burgers?
I love black and white cows, all other cows are just boring and yes I eat burgers. Burgers are delicious.


Why is a raven like a writing desk?
This riddle is designed to be nonsensical, but I’m pretty sure you already knew that… Therefore my answer is because ice cream melts on a hot day. (This question made me smile, thanks Amy)

Who would win in a fight between Goku and Superman?
Goku versus Superman is the greatest undecided geek-debate EVER and you are probably going to be maaaaad at my answer! I don’t think Superman could kill Goku and I’m pretty sure they would both insist on fighting fair. In terms of raw power, Goku could blow up a planet, which unfortunately for him is something that Superman could probably survive. Also, Superman can survive in space for a pretty long time without breathing and Goku can't. Well, there you go. Goku blows up the planet and suffocates. Stupid Saiyan. Debate ended.


What... is your name?
Good question Brad… I spent a lot of time on this one. I felt like it was a trick question and I’d have to rise to the occasion. I go by many names but you can call me Sir TerrRawr Mew.


Why is it pi day? And what's special about July 22nd?
Well Amy, it’s Friday today and Friday is PIE DAY at BP garage on Moore Road, buy one get one free.
OK! I know what you really meant… So I Googled. First: March 14 (or 3/14 in the U.S. month/day date format) is 3, 1, and 4 these are the three most significant digits of π in the decimal form. Second: (I’m assuming you keeping the second part of your question in the Pi family) Pi Approximation Day is observed on July 22 (or 22/7 in the day/month date format), since the fraction 22⁄7 is a common approximation of π. 

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
21

Which is worse, failing or never trying?
Tofu!

If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?
Human nature. Bitches want to fit in.


When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
Yes! I talk A LOT!

What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?
Winter.

If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?
Making Bacon.


Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?
I always do what I believe in, that’s why people call me a sarcastic rude bitch.


If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
Eat more bacon and not work. I think I could wing it for 40 years.

To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?
360 Degrees… I like circles, especially on roller skates.


Who would win in a fight: Pirates or Ninjas?
Ninjas. Duh. No contest. Pirates are loud, drunk and reckless. They would make for easy targets for the ninjas, who are masters of disguise and speed.


What is the best type of cookie?
WHAT EVIL SHIT IS THIS?! HOW DARE YOU! All cookies are the best cookies, you can’t compare them! (Ginger snaps but if anyone asks, you didn't hear it from me.)


How many fully-grown men could an adult silverback gorilla take in a fight?
I’m guessing this would be in a fair hand to hand combat situation and not some douche running around with a rifle? If that’s the case then I'd say about a dozen. Those gorillas don't get tired easily, plus animal rage! They would one-punch-kill humans and not even blink an eye.


Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?
I’m ambidextrous so it doesn't bug me if it’s right or left.


You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?
PUNCH THEM BITCHES IN THE FACE! Don’t you DARE talk smack about MY friends!


If you could offer a new-born child only one piece of advice, what would it be?
Wear Sunscreen.


Would you break the law to save a loved one?
I’d break the law for fun.

Moron of the Day #5

So it looks like this day is turning into one of THOSE days! I've barely posted my Moron of the Day #4 and I have another one. 

Ok, for your sanity and mine, I'm not going to type out the entire conversation because 
1. I don't remember all of it. 
2. It was 4 minutes 36 seconds long!
3. It wasn't even a conversation.

How can a conversation not be a conversation you might wonder to yourself? What is this nutcase going on about?

Well, it wasn't an actual conversation because I greeted this delightful gentleman and then he proceeded to narrate to me everything he was filling out on our online Soccer World Cup booking form.

FOUR MINUTES AND THIRTY SIX SECONDS! SERIOUSLY?! 

He didn't ask me a single question, when I tried to explain to him if he fills in everything on the form there won't be a problem.(the form is extremely straight forward, with no room for mistakes. Unless you have the IQ of a brick.) He just said yes he knows and then carried on telling me what he was filling in.

It's like the universe is trying to get back at me for calling Moron of the Day #4 stupid.