Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice - MAJOR SPOILER ALERT!

Ok, so there have been mixed reviews about the newly released Batman vs Superman and I’ve got to say some people are just down right idiots. Some guy took the movies release as a chance to berate any adult who watches and enjoys superhero movies… I have since dubbed him the Aquaman of humanity… No one really gives a shit about you dude.

WARNING: SPOILERS START HERE!

Seriously though, if you read any further it is your own fault.

Moving on… 

I went to the premier with my sister and you know what, for all the plot holes and random intros for future DC movies like the Flash, Wonder Woman and *cough cough spatter spatter* Aquaman, I flipping enjoyed it.

If this somehow makes your blood boil and you feel the need to jump down my throat via emails just remember zero, that’s right, ZERO fucks shall be given. Sooooo yeah…

All I could think of after the movie was “I WAS RIGHT!” I wrote a post a while ago answering a readers “Who would win in a fight” email which you can read HERE. If you don’t want to go read it… FINE! Short version, I explained in an impromptu fight Superman would kick some Batman ass (Which in the movie he did) BUT if Batman has time to prepare for the fight with Superman the Bat would win. (Which again he did)

The only thing that saved Superman from becoming a super-skewer was calling “Martha” which is kind of like calling Uncle I guess. Batman was all like “Your mom is Martha? MY mom is Martha! NO WAYS!” then they high fived and teamed up.

Do you guys remember when Ben Affleck was cast as Batman and everyone had little brain aneurysms and went off on tangents about how shit he was going to be… well I hope round about now you are sticking your feet in your mouth, yes both feet because Ben Affleck NAILED IT! Batman has always had a bit of a dark side but Affleck makes him seem somehow darker. He’s just like Superman could be a problem in the future so let’s just kill him now.

It’s no secret I am not a fan of Superman, so I was just like “It doesn’t follow the comics but what the hell kill him Batman!” His super goodie goodie persona has always irritated me. He is toooooo good BUT Henry Cavill brings a little something to the character we haven’t seen before, a willingness to kill. WHAAAAAAAAT?! Turns out when mommy dearest is in trouble Superman is willing to not only kill Batman but decapitate him and take his head to good ol’ Lexy boy. That is of cause if Batman is not willing to help him save mom.

Speaking of Lex Luthor, did anyone else get a bit of a Joker vibe from him? Jesse Eisenberg definitely played the ‘Psycho’ version of Lex Luthor pretty well. Good job Jesse but also you are meant to be bald from a child and not because you went to prison… Just saying. My sister may have thought up a filler for this plot hole… She says maybe he is Lex Luthor Junior and not Senior… that would explain why he has hair, is so much younger than superman and keeps referring to his father throughout the movie. Makes sense. 

Wonder Woman is also introduced in the film but she kind of just shows up and is all like “Hey, need some help?” I was a little happy we had a female role who could hold her own and you know… she could run through a doorway without tripping over her own feet… I’M LOOKING AT YOU LOIS LANE! Amy Adams did an amazing job portraying Lois Lane as the useless lump of skin she is. I mean seriously she has to be the most annoying character ever created! “Oh help me Superman, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.” BLERGH! I just want to slap her. Like right through the entire movie… Just slap her in the face… With a chair. Flip sakes woman get a clue!

And superman is dead.

END!

I can't see your hate.

So as you may have noticed I haven't posted in a while, but you more than likely didn't send me hate mail for it... Right? You probably carried on with your life because you're a well adjusted human, right?

Yeah I thought so... because what kind of dysfunctional asshat would send a blogger hate mail for not posting all the time? 

If you agreed with the above, then this post is not for you. I repeat THIS IS NOT FOR YOU!

Here is a pink fluffy unicorn on a rainbow just for you. (Insert hugs, love and laughter here)

However if you are one of the dickwads who send me hate mail when I don't post my ramblings online, then this post IS for you.

I apologize...

I apologize that I can't see all your hate through my motherf@#king love glasses!

END!

See this is my issue with fairy tales: #1

Cinderella:

Ok so first things first.(I'm the realest.) Cinderellas stepmother was in fact a major b*tch who treated her like crap. We know this.

If some old hag was treating me like crap I would make her life excruciatingly uncomfortable. I’m talking poison ivy leave stuffed into her pillow and cat poop in her porridge. (Cinderella had a cat)
Let’s say for argument sake Cinderella was a spineless idiot with no imagination (even though her animals “spoke” to her) and that’s why she just took all the crap shoveled her way.

You are sitting at home and your meanie stepsisters have gone to the ball… *tears tears* Enter your fairy godmother, she is magic and can send you to the ball all clean and beautiful “OH HAPPY DAY!” NO! If this sparkly asshole is your fairy godmother where the stuff has she been all these years while you were being mistreated? B*tch couldn’t take five minutes out of her day to appear at your house and scare the shit out of your step mother and sisters? Really? REALLY?! You can turn a pumpkin into a carriage and mice into horses but you can’t scare a bunch of pompous snot nosed brats? RUDE!

Then she has the nerve to send you out dancing in glass slippers? GLASS!? Am I the only one who thinks that would be f*ck off sore? Let alone if you make a step out of tune that shit could break and cut you. The fairy godmother is worse than the stepmother. Sadist.

Ok ok… So let’s just say Cinderella didn’t think to ask for help, you know, to get out of the shitty life she was living but instead like a true YOLO kid decided she just wanted to party… So she goes to the ball… Really slowly because if you break a heel it could end you.

So she arrives at the ball and everyone is all “Wow!” “Ooooh” “Ahhhh” “She must be a Princess from a faraway land” and she gets her boogie on (do people still say boogie?) all night with the Prince who falls hopelessly in love with her. (In a couple hours? You fell in love? Ha. Sure. Ok. Moron.) 

So it’s midnight and everything is turning back to shit and Cinderella takes off like a bat out of hell so no one knows it was her all along and she loses a glass slipper on the stairs while fleeing. (B*tches be drunk losing shoes and shit) and she makes it far enough away from the Prince before everything turns back to pumpkins and rags and stuff.

So the Prince finds the slipper and vows to find the foot it belongs to… Because you know he is in love with her but can’t recognize her voice or her, you know, HER FACE! No no no… This Prince will marry whoever the shoe fits… Does he have a foot fetish that this is the only way he can find the woman he “loves”? How drunk were you at this ball dude?

So he starts looking for the “Princess from a faraway land” in his own kingdom… Surely if she was from a faraway land then that’s where you would start looking? 

Oh and I haven’t forgotten… He is carrying around this glass slipper to find the one it fits… Why didn’t it turn back to a regular crappy shoe when everything else did? Why is this the one item that made it past midnight? Again… I’m guessing because the fairy godmother is a jerk.

So anyway… He gets to Cinderellas house and is all like “Woman put this shoe on” but can’t tell from her FACE that it’s her and the shoe fits so he marries her.
I mean, that’s cool… You met her once and spent an evening dancing with her and now you two are getting married because all he needs to know is that she cleans up well and has pretty feet and all she needs to know is he’s rich… Nothing wrong with the ending of that story at all… Go ahead… Let your kids watch it… My brain hurts.

END!

Common Sayings: Origin Stories

Have you ever thought about the expressions people use on a daily basis and wonder how they became such a widespread part of the English language? 

Well… I have…

I recently heard the words “raining cats and dogs” fall out of a friends mouth and it got me wondering, what the heck do cats and dogs have to do with heavy rain? No for reals though… It sounds ridiculous if you think about it. So I did what any sane person living in this day and age would do… I asked Google.

Though I found way too many explanations the most common was cats, dogs and other small creatures would hide in the thatch roof of a house during heavy rains and would often fall through the roof as they were often poorly made. No clue how true this is but I found it rather interesting and it put my brain at ease… For about 10 seconds! 
Then I began making a list in my head… A list of every saying I have used with no clue where it originated. So as I’m sure you have gathered by now… I took my list and did some research.

I am not guaranteeing everything in this post is accurate but I cross referenced everything and these seem to be the most common explanations of phrases we use on a daily basis.

Bite the Bullet
Meaning: Accepting something difficult or unpleasant
Origin: There was no time to administer anesthesia before emergency surgery during battle. (Well shit.) The surgeon made patients bite down on a bullet in an attempt to distract them from the pain. (Broken teeth with your painful surgery anyone?)

Break the Ice
Meaning: To commence a project or initiate a friendship
Origin: Before the days of trains or cars, port cities that thrived on trade suffered during the winter because frozen rivers prevented commercial ships from entering the city. Small ships known as “icebreakers” would rescue the icebound ships by breaking the ice (No duh) and creating a path for them to follow. Before any type of business arrangement today, it is now customary to “break the ice” before beginning a project. (To be honest… This just made me want an Icebreaker… Not a ship but the yummy ice-lollies we ate as kids and as adults because we are just really big kids if you think about it.)

Butter Someone Up
Meaning: To flatter someone
Origin: From an ancient Indian custom involved throwing balls of clarified butter at statues of the gods to seek favor.

Cat Got Your Tongue?
Meaning: Something said when a person is at a loss for words
Origin: There are so many “sources” for this common saying but the one that seems to come up the most refers to the practice of cutting out the tongues of liars and blasphemers and feeding them to cats. (That’s messed up!)

Caught Red-Handed
Meaning: To be caught doing something wrong
Origin: This saying originated because of a law. If someone butchered an animal that didn’t belong to him, he had to be caught with the animal’s blood on his hands to be convicted. Being caught with freshly cut meat did not make the person guilty. (How did they know it was the animals blood and the butcher wasn’t just a deranged mass murderer?) 

Eat Humble Pie
Meaning: Making an apology and suffering humiliation along with it
Origin: During the Middle Ages, the lord of a manor would hold a feast after hunting. He would receive the finest cut of meat at the feast, but those of a lower standing were served a pie filled with the entrails and innards (YUK!), known as “umbles.” Therefore, receiving “umble pie” was considered humiliating because it informed others in attendance of the guest’s lower status. (So I’m not hungry anymore.)

Go Cold Turkey
Meaning: To quit something abruptly
Origin: People believed that during withdrawal, the skin of drug addicts became translucent, hard to the touch, and covered with goose bumps – like the skin of a plucked turkey.

Go the Whole 9 Yards
Meaning: To try one’s best
Origin: World War II Fighter pilots received a 9-yard chain of ammunition. Therefore, when a pilot used all of his ammunition on one target, he gave it “the whole 9 yards.” (That is one aggro pilot!)

Kick the Bucket
Meaning: To die
Origin: When a cow was killed at a slaughterhouse, a bucket was placed under it while it was positioned on a pulley. Sometimes the animal’s legs would kick during the adjustment of the rope and it would literally kick the bucket before being killed. (Huh… Ok…)

Let Your Hair Down
Meaning: To relax or be at ease
Origin: Parisian nobles risked condemnation from their peers if they appeared in public without an elaborate hairdo. (Fancy as fuck son!) Some of the more intricate styles required hours of work, so of course it was a relaxing for these aristocrats to come home at the end of a long day and let their hair down. (In this day and age it’s probably the same as getting home and taking off your bra…)

No Spring Chicken
Meaning: Someone who is past his prime
Origin: England chicken farmers generally sold chickens in the spring, so the chickens born in the springtime were worth more than the chickens that survived the winter. Sometimes, farmers tried to sell old birds for the price of a new spring chicken. Clever buyers complained that the fowl was “no spring chicken,” and the term came to represent anyone past their prime. (So you make it through the winter alive and clucking only to be told no? RUDE!)

Pleased as Punch
Meaning: To be very happy
Origin: A 17th century puppet show for children called Punch and Judy featured a puppet named Punch who always killed people. (What?!) The act of killing brought him pleasure, so he felt pleased with himself afterwards. (That’s seriously messed up people!)

Rub the Wrong Way
Meaning: To irritate, bother, or annoy someone
Origin: In colonial America, servants were required to wet-rub and dry-rub the oak-board floors each week. Doing it against the grain caused streaks to form, making the wood look awful and irritating the homeowner. (LOL!)

Rule of Thumb
Meaning: A common, ubiquitous benchmark
Origin: Legend has it that 17th century English Judge Sir Francis Buller ruled it was permissible for a husband to beat his wife with a stick, given that the stick was no wider than his thumb. (Whose thumb? The judges thumb or the husbands thumb? Just need to know whose thumb I would need to chop off.)

Run Amok
Meaning: Go crazy (Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah, Oh baby, Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah)
Origin: This comes from the Malaysian word amoq, which describes the behavior of tribesmen who, under the influence of opium (obvs) became wild, rampaging mobs that attacked anybody in their path.

Saved by the Bell
Meaning: Rescued from an unwanted situation
Origin: As scary as it sounds, being buried alive was once a common occurrence. People who feared succumbing to such a fate were buried in special coffins that connected to a bell above ground. At night, guards listened for any bells in case they had to dig up a living person and save them “by the bell.” (That’s it! When I die cremate me!)

Show Your True Colors
Meaning: To reveal one’s true nature
Origin: Warships used to fly multiple flags to confuse their enemies. However, the rules of warfare stated that a ship had to hoist its true flag before firing and hence, display its country’s true colors. (OH PLEASE! Like anyone would actually do that! “I say good Sir you may have sunk our ships and killed all our men but you didn’t hoist the correct flag, shame on you.”)

Sleep Tight (This one I did actually know… Thanks to The Big Bang Theory… But I’ll stick it in here anyway)
Meaning: Sleep well
Origin: During Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. In order to make the bed firmer, one had to pull the ropes to tighten the mattress.

Spill the Beans
Meaning: To reveal a secret
Origin: In Ancient Greece, beans were used to vote for candidates entering various organizations. One container for each candidate was set out before the group members, who would place a white bean in the container if they approved of the candidate and a black bean if they did not. Sometimes a clumsy voter would accidentally knock over the jar, revealing all of the beans and allowing everyone to see the otherwise confidential votes. (Yeah… Sure… He was clumsy! This was Greece! The guy knocking the container over was probably smashed out of his mind!)

Waking Up on the Wrong Side of the Bed
Meaning: Waking up in a bad mood
Origin: The left side of the body or anything having to do with the left was often associated considered sinister. To ward off evil, innkeepers made sure the left side of the bed was pushed against a wall, so guests had no other option but to get up on the right side of the bed.
(Totally unrelated to a saying but this is also why left handed people were not allowed to be knights… they were considered impure and sometimes evil. LOL!)

Ok… That’s all for now… I think.

If you didn’t enjoy this post then what the heck is wrong with you?!
I gave you gross pies, chickens, fancy hair and serial killer entertainment for KIDS!!! What more do you want?!

END!

EAT!

So this weekend I was asked a question that got me thinking… "What are my top 3 favorite restaurants to eat at?" I thought that was a pretty great way to find new places to visit.

So here is a post about some of my favorite places to eat:

Refresh Café: LaLucia Mall
This is probably my favorite place to have breakfast. My boyfriend and I are here almost every weekend.
The food is delicious, reasonably priced and the service is great.
I don’t think I’ve ever actually eaten anything off the lunch menu but the breakfasts are great.
Favorite Dish: Breakfast Roll.

Unity Bar: Silverton Road
It seems every single time I have been to Unity (click and like them on facebook) it’s been for a girls night out… Regardless the food is great, the drinks are cold and the vibe is awesome! Although I do suggest making a reservation if you are interested in visiting Unity… It’s generally quite busy. They also stock one of my favorite craft beers, That Irish Red by That Brewing Co. So That’s a bonus. (I hope you saw what I did there)
Favorite Dish: Steak… Any of them, they are all yum.

Mozambique: Gateway
Mozambique is super chilled, they have great service and the food is yummy.
The portions are large so make sure you are hungry. I personally like the starters… Order two of those and it’s pretty much a meal. It’s an all-round happy dining experience.
Favorite Dish: Prawn Rissoles

Dragons: Broadway
While Dragons is a restaurant, I can’t say I have ever sat down and eaten here. So the vibe and the service I cannot comment on. There is only one reason I go to Dragons… Sweet and Sour Pork with Noodles.
I’m salivating just thinking about it.
Delicious deep fried pork with onions and peppers cooked in an amazing sweet and sour sauce… It’s something you HAVE to try.
Mmmmm… I think I know what I want for dinner.
Favorite Dish: You guessed it… Sweet and Sour Pork.

The Wok Box: Mackeurtan Avenue
Another awesome little spot my boyfriend and I like to visit. This small restaurant is another that gets really busy and for good reason. The food is just so damn good.
They don’t skimp on the portions so make sure you are hungry. The service is great and the vibe is very chilled just the way I like it. 
Favorite Dish: Crispy Pork Belly… Mmmmmm.

This post was a bad idea… I’m so hungry now.

S43: Station Road
While S43 is a restaurant, I have actually never eaten here.
I go for the beer… Obviously.
That Brewing Co. (click and like them on facebook) is a permanent resident as this is their distillery. I am guaranteed to find That Irish Red here and that makes my little old heart so happy.
Favorite Dish: Beer.

Distillery 031: Station Road
This is a new little gem found this weekend.
Distillery 031, just upstairs from S43, create yummy craft Gin, Whiskey and Vodka. (If I have left something out, oh well.)
Their cocktails are so good! They will however kick you in the face… With a chair… So make sure you are not driving when you visit this little spot.
While they do have a kitchen, Distillery 031 (click and like them on facebook) have done something a little different. They outsource smaller food companies and chefs to cook on different nights.
I’m not sure exactly how it works but I think it’s a pretty rad idea. As a customer, you get to try different foods by different companies in a space you know and feel comfortable. This weekend they had Funny Bunny in their kitchen and it was amazeballs… More about that in a bit though.
Favorite Dish: COCKTAILS!!!!!

Funny Bunny:
While I cannot say this is a favorite for me purely because I’ve only had their food once, it was so good it still made it on here.
This weekend a few of us visited Distillery 031 to try the burgers from Funny Bunny and oh dear universe thank you for this experience.
I am not a fan of burgers but these have converted me. I can’t really explain it, you just have to try them.
As far as I know Funny Bunny (click here and like them on facebook) are regulars at the I Heart Market, so if you want to check them out (and you should) you can find them there. I’ll be at the funny Bunny stand next I Heart Market… That’s for sure!
Favorite Dish: Beef and Oxtail burger patty with caramelized onion, pineapple and bacon bits…
(For all you veggie lovers out there, they make veggie burgers too.)

That's all I have to say right now... Check them out if you like or don't... If you have any foodie places you think I should check out let me know and I will... Or I won't... It's a toss up really.

I didn't have any pictures in here... Sooo.... Here is a pug dressed as a taco.

Things I'd rather be doing than helping you:

When someone asks you for help and proceeds to give you the wrong information, then gets condescending and rude because nothing works... 
Below is the list I made while you were speaking.

Things I'd rather be doing than helping you:

• Drinking creamy alcohol until I puke.
• Listen to Iggy Azalea.
• Listen to Iggy Azalea and Demi Lovato collaborate on a song.
• Visit a gynecologist.
• Pull my teeth out with pliers.

And then you stopped talking for long enough so I could inform you in the nicest way possible everything you are doing is wrong.

You then proceeded to tell me the exact same thing I have JUST told you DOES NOT WORK, only this time slower like you are explaining it to someone who licks windows and pisses their pants.

More things I'd rather be doing than helping you:

• Bash my face into a brick wall until I pass out.
• Strip naked and roll around on broken glass.
• Cut all my clothes up to look like a YOLO kid.
• Give myself a thousand paper cuts between my fingers.
• Eat pears.
• Have my entire body covered with ants.
• Watch Burn After Reading.
• Eat soap.
• Snort Cayenne Pepper.
• Have my foot ridden over by a car.
• Actually just get hit by the car.

OH LOOK AT THAT! IT STILL DOESN'T WORK?! WHAAAAT?!

So, in your mind, you being a condescending ass hat will make everything magically work the way you want it to? Do you also believe some overweight old guy with a beard cruises around the world on a flying object once a year to drop off presents for kids who have been good?

Rant over.

Moron of the day #11

Another one? So Soon?

ME: "(company name) good day Terri speaking."

MOTD: "Hi Terri, it's _____ calling from _____, you spoke to MOTD #10 this morning."

ME: "Yes ______, How can I help?"

MOTD: "She said you told her if she gets a laptop she won't have an issue with her computer during loadshedding?"

ME: "Yes, the laptop has a battery in it and it will stay on for as long as the battery lasts."

MOTD: "Ok because I have a laptop and it was working but now it has just turned off."

ME: "Ok... Has the battery died?"

MOTD: "I had it plugged in so it shouldn't have died."

REALLY?! SERIOUSLY?! HOW DO ANY OF YOU HAVE JOBS WHEN THERE ARE PERFECTLY GOOD HUMANS WHO KNOW HOW ELECTRICITY WORKS STILL UNEMPLOYED?!

ME: "The battery would not be charging on the laptop if the electricity is off, regardless of whether it's plugged in or not."

MOTD: "Ok I see, thanks."

ME: "Thanks and have a great day."