HI FRIENDS!
So just for fun I’ve been asking friends and
randoms what their New Year Resolutions for 2015 are. I told them it is for my
blog and they happily agreed to share their goals with me… Silly buggers
(insert evil laugh)
I said it’s for my blog (Truth) but I may
have failed to mention my comments are not always kind… Those who
know me and have read my blog made me promise to not name and shame them, I
reluctantly agreed.
The more people I asked, the more I
realized how many people want the same things… I should group everyone together
according to their resolutions and you can start a little support group with
people who have the same resolutions as you. Maybe that way you’ll actually
keep them.
Let’s start shall we?
LOSE WEIGHT & GET FIT:
I laughed a little when I realized this is
the most popular resolution. Not because I thought it was stupid but because it
just shows how difficult it is to commit to. (Trust me, I know!) With all the
yummy things in front of your face ALL THE TIME! I mean for flip sake, I saw a
Bacon Cronut the other day! A BACON CRONUT! Those are three delicious things
all wrapped up in a neat little heart attack. Bacon GOOD! Doughnut GOOD! Croissant
GOOD!
I personally am kind of on board with the
whole get into shape vibe BUT I’m also not expecting immediate unrealistic results.
Unless you are my younger sister, doing 10 sit ups tonight will NOT give you a
six pack tomorrow.
If that’s what you are looking for you’ve
pretty much already lost. You’ll last maybe a month or two and then be back to
sitting on the couch eating your bacon cronuts because “nothing works.” (I’m
speaking from experience here people.)
This not my New Years Resolution, I repeat
THIS IS NOT MY NEW YEARS RESOLUTION! (I’ll tell you mine at the end.)
I have
however enlisted the help of my iPhone to track my eating habits to try be a
little healthier this year. I use an app called My Fitness Pal. It’s really
simple and you don’t even have to type in the food you are eating… Just scan
the barcode and it pulls up all the info for you, along with recommended serving
sizes. (Seriously, coming from a super lazy person, this is awesome!) It not
only tracks your kilojoule intake but also your fats, carbohydrates, protein,
vitamins, sodium levels etc… Pretty much everything. It also gives you a
nutritional chart that shows what your recommended intake of everything is and
what your actual intake is per day. At the end of the day it gives you advise
on what it is you need to change in your diet, for example if your sodium levels
are too high for the day it pulls up a warning. It’s pretty rad. Also, it’s
FREE!
I hope everyone with this resolution rocks
it this year and achieves your goals, so go find an app that works for you
(just as a little helper) but be prepared for the long term work and beware of
the “get fit/lose weight quick” bullshit.
SPEND MORE TIME WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY:
Again, so many people have this resolution.
I like this one… Unless your friends and family are dicks and that’s why you
weren’t hanging out with them this past year, but you just forgot how much you
don’t like them so this resolution happened.
I don’t know how true it is but I’ve read a
few studies which suggest social people who have strong ties to friends and
family live longer than people do not. However, holiday seasons where people
spend a lot of time with family and friends have the highest suicide rates… So
I guess it really just depends on whether or not your family and friends are
assholes.
If not, then awesome! Manage your time
better and hang out as much as possible.
If however they are pricks and you just
forgot, I would suggest new friends.
Seeing how you are forced to spend time
with family (even if you don’t like them.) my advice would be spend the bare
minimum amount of time with them.
What are you missing out on really? That
jerk who always has a snarky comment about your hair and general style or that
awful woman who tells you how disgusting tattoos are and only has bad things to
say about people who get them, knowing full well you have plenty. I don’t think
you are missing much. Also, it’s really hard to stay calm and not be a bitch
right back.
SAVE MONEY:
When you figure out how to do this… Let me
know.
MANAGE MY DEBT BETTER:
Here’s a better idea, if you can’t afford
it, DON’T BUY IT! Unless it’s like lifesaving surgery, is it really necessary
or are you buying things you don’t need to impress people you don’t like? (Yeah
I quoted Fight Club. BOOM!)
DO JUICE CLEANSES TO BE HEALTHY:
I CALL BULLSHIT! You don’t want to be healthy!
You want to be skinny. Go for the long term and not the quick fix. It’s better
for you in the end.
QUIT SMOKING:
I am 100% behind you on this one! You not
only have to break an addiction but a habit as well. Stick with it and don’t
let multiple failures in the past haunt you. Ask any ex-smoker how many times
they failed before getting it right. It’s a long term commitment, but I don’t
have to tell you the health benefits.
Plus, think of all the money you will save.
That shit’s expensive!
GET A BETTER JOB:
Good for you. I hope you find what makes
you happy.
LEARN SOMETHING NEW:
Like as in one thing? Just one? I suppose, set
your standards really low and you will never be disappointed. So here you go, I’m
going to help you out now.
How to fold an origami crane:
TA-DA! 2015 New Year Resolution DONE SON!
VOLUNTEER:
I thought this was a rad one. When I questioned
further, I was a little disappointed. I asked this young lady what volunteer work
she was interested in doing, she then went on to tell me she doesn’t really
care, she just wants to do it because there is a girl in her school who always
gets stuff in assembly for volunteer work she does and she wants awards as
well.
So this has absolutely nothing to do with
helping anyone, this is about trying to claw your way onto a pedestal so you
can look down on all those mere mortals beneath you.
I hope you get diarrhea.
GET MARRIED:
This came from a girl who has no boyfriend
and no prospects for one… So she is going to meet someone, date them, fall in
love and marry them all in one year? It's not impossible but it's implausible.
I’m sorry if you take offence to what I’m
about to say… Actually, nope, nope I’m not.
This is a perfect example of what is wrong
with marriage in our society…
You think you want a marriage but you don’t! You
want a wedding. You want to wear a fluffy white dress and throw a huge party
where for one day you are the center of attention… It doesn’t matter what
weirdo is standing next to you, as long as he looks good in a suit.
You are pledging your life to a stranger! WHAT THE FLIP IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
Why not just have a big party with your
mates and wear a fluffy white dress?
Think about it this way, would you still be
so keen for this if Divorce was illegal and you couldn’t just throw your hands
in the air and say “Oh, well… That didn’t work.” Yeah, I don’t think you
would.
Maybe I’m just cynical and believe some
things are not worth rushing into. Perhaps it’s because I’ve dated sociopaths who seemed like really lovely guys, who knows but in my opinion you’re
stupid and someone should slap you.
So my New Year Resolution is simple.
I WANT TO DO THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY AND TELL MORE PEOPLE TO FUCK OFF.
I don't think I need to explain this one... It's pretty straight forward.
The End.
.jpg)